directionless babble...

not many days ago now.. can't be sure the exact number.. anyway.. i received a letter from susan (mom).. to boil down it's contents.. she found out.. in probably in one of the worse possible ways (facebook).. that i am not the person that she thinks i am.. and she is very disappointed that i wasn't wholly focused on ayme (sister) and mike (brother-in-law) on their wedding day.. and rather focused my attention on my outfit and the message that it sent.. the message being.. "I don't even begin to give a shit".. seeing as i was wearing a kilt sans underpants and an offensive tee-shirt to a fancy occasion.. and although that maybe true.. i did show up to the wedding just for my sister.. she was the whole reason i was there.. so in my response letter.. that's right a handwritten letter.. so archaic.. back to my point.. in my response i will refute what susan claims.. while revealing who i truly am.. hopefully breaking ties with this woman who dares call herself my mother.. but.. really.. all of that is irrelevant.. because even if the bulk of the message was centered around all things uttered previously.. the real meat.. the heart if you will.. of this correspondence.. is all in the last paragraph.. where susan seems to express concern about my direction in life.. about how i "need" to lose my self-centered attitude and become more god/others focused.. a very motherly concern if there ever was one.. what is hidden in the text.. what is underneath the ink on the page.. is something very different.. something that might have been building up in her for awhile.. i don't think she likes me.. not really.. she tries to.. because she loves me as a mom.. but it is becoming apparent i'm not anything like what she wants me to be.. which gives me all the more reason to write my letter to her.. to really clear that up.. drive to final nail so to speak.. and bury this relationship.. finally.. i might know freedom from the guilt machine that is susan..

anger is a terrible drug..

i am not built for this world.. rather.. my design is for the pre-internet age.. back when being a hard worker meant something.. back when you actually had to work hard to even be considered worthy of your job.. a time when you could have almost any job that you wanted.. with little or no education.. it didn't matter.. as long as you were able to perform the tasks at hand with at least some competency.. but today to much importance is placed on having a piece of paper.. a piece of paper that you must invest at least the first twenty years of your life as well as vast sums of money in order to achieve.. to which i can only say one thing.. What?.. are you people insane.. but no.. it must be done.. there is no choice.. even if learning from a book is possibly one of the hardest things that i do.. information in text form is far to abstract for me to care enough to put forth the effort.. gods help me i am trying.. but.. fuck..

more often than not i find myself wishing for the apocalypse.. so that i am either dead.. or find myself in a survival of the fittest situation.. i feel as if.. in a world of chaos i would do quite well..

what is information really..

information is nothing more than everything that i desire.. now perhaps that doesn't make any sense.. but it is the truth none-the-less.. and i suppose this being my first blog i should further explain exactly what i mean and stop toying with you.. sure.. why not... just to be clear.. i simply wish to be informed of.. well.. everything.. i want to know everything.. i am not talking about what the brain is capable of either.. rather.. i want every single bit of information that is available in this vast universe.. this is not possible though.. one man can not know everything.. no matter how hard he tries.. so.. the only thing left to do is contemplate the more difficult questions of the day.. hoping that it will keep my mind occupied.. and this.. is basically what this blog is going to be.. a series of questions that i want answers to.. simply put

that little musing does raise a question.. if it was possible to know everything.. and somehow i were to obtain all of this knowledge.. what then would i do with my time.. ah.. of course.. that would be that moment.. the moment were i realise that i have wasted my life in pursuit of absolutely nothing.. the moment that so many have already experienced.. the time that is most commonly referred to as a "mid-life crisis".. were one suddenly becomes aware of the nothingness that is his/her existence..they then must try and redefine what they know as they're life.. not realising that no matter what they do.. it's all the same.. we are all just kill time until what is.. our inevitable end..